Shambling Mirrors

Gosh, looks like I have lost it. Everything just doesn't seem to be blissful anymore. Is it just me? Newer positive days have turned petrified. Remorse is all over barricading rays of hope and love. Pointless are topics of today as the fight hovers and ends with sleepless tears. No more am I able to find the 'once' me careless, free from worldly insecurities. Why does it really have to be this way?

The second person to have said that I don't understand people. Woah!!! Shocker and bolting out my senses. So good friends from the past whom I had considered close throw their thoughts politely with this golden line, vindicating their secretive nature only for a certain set. That day was when I lost 'trust' and never really had the same giving me anymore. Moving on to another path in my life was more of a roller coaster ride of isolated screams and vunerability. Dismay made it a point to linger onto my sulken face and still continues. At 11:30pm, as I type these words, I find myself so 'STUMPED' and extremely 'STUPID'. Am I like a beloved, bold enough to follow in the same footsteps to a happy end?

Moments of Wonder

‘Wonder’ something we all do anytime, anywhere. It’s a moment of ‘pause’ which goes into thinking of actions from the past, your very present or how your future would unfold. It’s the time of reiterating how you did this and what you could have done to avoid it or if you had chosen that, you’re life would have been different now and how better everything would just be. It’s all complicated and remorseful. Yet, wondering over spilled milk seems baseless and you glue your eyes to your future. Hold on, you will have to think of reinventing your present for a brighter future first.

How do you reinvent yourself? Change is inevitable and so does human nature. To overcome vibes of disdain, failure or insecurity, comes great effort and belief in ‘what you want to do’ and ‘how will you do’. Sacrifices are always there with no secret doors of escape. Starting life afresh amid competitions can overwhelm your inchoate steps rather than pushing you forward. Still, giving in would depend on how foster your learning’s and creep through those barriers. Pondering over these lines again, I have summed a few points which you could/must note for your fresh start:

· Self-realization is the key to reinvention. You want something, you have to do everything you can, to get that something.
· Trust is what you need to hold on till your goal is achieved.
· Focus should be your constant drive to fail any falters.
· Enthusiasm should be your instant energy lowering any thoughts or hopes given by anyone.
· Circle leave out those who want to see you fail and circle those who want you up, happy and full of life.

I’m in no mood to write now. I guess its because the lost interest in everything..probably…. May be I’d continue this bit later….

Winding Waves

Khoyi Khoyi sei hoon mian
Kyun yeh dil ka haal hain
Dhundhlein saarein khaab hain
Uljah har khayal hain
Saare kaliyann murja gaye
Rang unke yaadon mein reh gaye
Saare garondein Reith kei
Lahrein aayi, lahrein mein beh gaye



A recent song on my mind leaving me wanting to hear that note, identify each sound, compelling me to get back to a long lost love, the piano. My love for the instrument started at a tender age away in a boarding school, in one the most beautiful places in India known for its beauty and weather. My mom always wanted me to learn guitar, even bought me one bigger than me. Little did she knew that I would never learn it. This started as a cycle back then. I joined the classes for the sake of one person whom I loved dearly, second after my mom. She was none other than my best friend, my sister, my partner in crime and mischiefs, my secret keeper, my beautiful little Paddise whom I loved called ‘Potato Rice’ the most.

Growing up brings tons of changes including priorities. I left my little passion of continuing playing piano there. Hearing instrumental or soulful songs with piano leading, always bring back memories of my past and regrets of leaving it. Pot however learnt guitar in higher school. She played well and taught me few of her pieces on our vacation. She also made her teacher play ‘Country Roads’ on my first visit to the class. An hour to follow, I saw her pull the strings, strike her fingers across those harmonic metal, immensely absorbed in wanting to watch and learn it the very instant. Honestly, I thought she would become a musician with that burning passion of learning things and excelling them with such ease. Sometimes what we want to do in life really doesn’t play like the notes on a book. Life can be harsh and always mysterious. Avoiding sadness in this piece is what I have been thinking since night. This is one of the windows to a globe of memories with you M, P and most of all you Pots. Miss you so much and wished you were here.

‘To love and lose is the beauty and tragedy of life. Cherishing all those memories is a gift, your gift, pieces of your soul growing as you grow only to pass them onto someone else and that’s the cycle of life.

Thank you

Thank you for adding me to your circle of friends
Thank you for calling for a welcoming then
Thank you for listening to my gibberish talks
Thank you for pepping up my inner thoughts
Thank you for advicing on lining my path
Thank you for being an encyclopaedia of all
Thank you for lending out a ray of hope
Thank you for driving my sorrows elope
Thank you for waking up nights to watch the stars fade by
Thank you for making me want for more as days went by
Thank you for valueing me more than your favorite sport
Thank you for giving me your finnest coat
Thank you for singing those lovely verse
Thank you for mumbling lines even when they didn’t make any sense
Thank you for giggling on my foolish acts
Thank you for ignoring them with kindled joy
Thank you for staying in touch for all those years
Thank you for your witty humor rolling me the scented floor
Thank you also for fighs I never yearned
Thank you for sharing those priceless moments of growing up
Most of all, Thank you for making me worthy of your endless love

Is this it?

Contemplating my actions over the past months, pondering those long discussions over and over, cramping my head and heart, made me realize what I truly am. It made myself think of my needs and how long will this short term happiness continue. Some great person quoted ‘Nothing is constant in life’. Duhhh, why do relationships be the same? It is fine when we talk about changing our bad habits or innovating products fruitful to both mankind and environment but why see the change in relations? I just feel that the relationships should not change. If you are meant to meet someone, bond with them, it should last a lifetime. Petty fights, irritations, frustrations and rising levels of hate changes your outlook on yourself and others around you. This is where leaves of compassions start withering off, rooting out a full grown tree without a lease, pushing you to what you once where being entangling in something new to you.

What started off as a pleasant feeling suddenly feels nothing anymore. Excitement, butterflies in stomach, reddening of cheeks has been slowly pulled away by frustration, cramps creeping through your entire body paralysing your mind and a running rudolph’s nose. Doesn’t it feel sick, horrible and looooooooooost? You can’t get to stop those salted droplets from gravity’s attraction. Tissues or kerchief’s, puffffffff… do you no good except for a burning sensation on constant wiping and blowing. Pheww!!! I am so desperate to bounce back but it is the silence that keeps prevailing. The want of not speaking and ignorance is glueing my stubborn, arrogant little head. Is it the royal revenge or thought of disappointment to move in again?

I don’t have justifications for being the troublesome me. Years of loneliness and want for being wanted has opened my rotten trunk of emotions, dependencies and talking. Restless and unending conversations over the silliest of that days experience, was something I needed to tell. Keeping all to myself was difficult hence, the burden was loaded on those tiny shoulders immersed in an ocean of aspirations, of dreams being crushed and hopes of starting things newly daily only to leave like waves hitting the shore or the sand you try to hold in your palm.

The ‘so not understanding’ me really didn’t feel what it is on the other side. ‘One could not count the moons that shimmer on her roofs,or the thousand splendid suns that hide behind her walls’, beautifully crafted by a well deserving author which I believe he felt at some phase in life. It was crushing giving hopes to someone daily who only reverted back for more. I get it, it was my mistake for being so naïve, childish, self-centered, absorbed in my world to get my thoughts out and work done while ignoring his. Apologies seemed to have lost its value as I have done that a thousand times. So here I go, maintaining my silence, not apologizing like the old days.

How would all this reflect on a relationship built over the years of not knowing how the other was, how he looked and walked, how he ate or smiled, how he’d move his fingers or raise his brows, what shoes those feet had or the colors worn to amplify the personality, is still a ‘mystery’. They say, relationships grow as you grow. Now if this meant for it to become stronger or leave scars.... laid on how we would nurture it in days to follow.