Is this it?

Contemplating my actions over the past months, pondering those long discussions over and over, cramping my head and heart, made me realize what I truly am. It made myself think of my needs and how long will this short term happiness continue. Some great person quoted ‘Nothing is constant in life’. Duhhh, why do relationships be the same? It is fine when we talk about changing our bad habits or innovating products fruitful to both mankind and environment but why see the change in relations? I just feel that the relationships should not change. If you are meant to meet someone, bond with them, it should last a lifetime. Petty fights, irritations, frustrations and rising levels of hate changes your outlook on yourself and others around you. This is where leaves of compassions start withering off, rooting out a full grown tree without a lease, pushing you to what you once where being entangling in something new to you.

What started off as a pleasant feeling suddenly feels nothing anymore. Excitement, butterflies in stomach, reddening of cheeks has been slowly pulled away by frustration, cramps creeping through your entire body paralysing your mind and a running rudolph’s nose. Doesn’t it feel sick, horrible and looooooooooost? You can’t get to stop those salted droplets from gravity’s attraction. Tissues or kerchief’s, puffffffff… do you no good except for a burning sensation on constant wiping and blowing. Pheww!!! I am so desperate to bounce back but it is the silence that keeps prevailing. The want of not speaking and ignorance is glueing my stubborn, arrogant little head. Is it the royal revenge or thought of disappointment to move in again?

I don’t have justifications for being the troublesome me. Years of loneliness and want for being wanted has opened my rotten trunk of emotions, dependencies and talking. Restless and unending conversations over the silliest of that days experience, was something I needed to tell. Keeping all to myself was difficult hence, the burden was loaded on those tiny shoulders immersed in an ocean of aspirations, of dreams being crushed and hopes of starting things newly daily only to leave like waves hitting the shore or the sand you try to hold in your palm.

The ‘so not understanding’ me really didn’t feel what it is on the other side. ‘One could not count the moons that shimmer on her roofs,or the thousand splendid suns that hide behind her walls’, beautifully crafted by a well deserving author which I believe he felt at some phase in life. It was crushing giving hopes to someone daily who only reverted back for more. I get it, it was my mistake for being so naïve, childish, self-centered, absorbed in my world to get my thoughts out and work done while ignoring his. Apologies seemed to have lost its value as I have done that a thousand times. So here I go, maintaining my silence, not apologizing like the old days.

How would all this reflect on a relationship built over the years of not knowing how the other was, how he looked and walked, how he ate or smiled, how he’d move his fingers or raise his brows, what shoes those feet had or the colors worn to amplify the personality, is still a ‘mystery’. They say, relationships grow as you grow. Now if this meant for it to become stronger or leave scars.... laid on how we would nurture it in days to follow.